Empathy

I have an unsettling demeanor.  Being an introverted stoic by nature, I can understand why people are put off by me.  Inside of me there may be a raging sea of emotions, but outwardly my composure is mostly calm.  If I had a dollar for every time I've been called "cold and unfeeling", Id be able to own my own Fortress of Solitude at the Arctic Circle.  This way of being, has been very useful over the years with strangers, coworkers, customers, etc... But, its not very helpful when dealing with family and friends.  There's a huge misunderstanding about me regarding empathy.  People tend to think that my lack of expressing emotions, is equvalent to lacking in empathy.  And that's not true.  I have a great deal of empathy, I can see and even relate to other peoples experiences on an emotional level.  I think the part that makes others mad at me, is that just because I empathize with someone, doesn't mean I feel obligated to do anything about it.

People need to deal with their own emotions, frustrations, disappointments.  Its not my job to fix you, especially if I have nothing to do with it.  As I said, this attitude of mine is not a problem when dealing with the outside world, but here, at home, there is Mom.  Mom who can no longer go grocery shopping, to be more specific. Who is dependent on her daughters for doing the shopping, getting the groceries, picking the fruits and vegetables, buying the meat and chicken.  Mom, who for as long as I can remember, was the only one who knew how to these things "the right way". Nitpicking enters a lot into this equation, which is an endless source of irritation.  Today it was because I bought a different brand of an item she wanted to use.  Nothing that is regularly used in the house, not because shes particularly loyal to the brand, but mostly it was because it was the first name she could think of when asking me to buy the item.

I bought a different brand name.

"How could I do such a thing? What was I thinking? I'm sure its not going to be as good as..." were some of the comments that kept coming out of her for a good long while.  I told her I brought her the product, not the label, because what I bought was cheaper and closer to what was going to be needed for the meal she wanted to make.  And since I'm the one who needs to prepare the thing, this was more suitable to what was needed.  Naturally, with hindsight, I should have just bought the label, but I didn't, because I didn't think it would be the source of any contention.  This is where the accusations of lack of empathy come in.  I didn't think about Mom, who can no longer shop, or do anymore those day-to-day tasks that gave her a sense of accomplishment .  I was being more practical than sensible. I did apologize and told her I'd go buy the brand name she wanted if she didn't want to use the product I brought home. Mom, being Mom. said "no," she didn't want me making any special trips just for her.  She gave me a quick look, there was a pause, I said "OK", then left the room.

I could hear her give out a loud sigh as I left. 

 My mother needs to recognize her mobility is limited and she now is dependent on others for the things she needs. After a life-time of taking care of herself and others I'm sure its incredibly frustrating for her to be in this position.  She often comments on how badly she is aging.  But its her journey, she needs to come to terms with it.  If the meat isn't as marbled as she would have chosen, if the chicken didn't come from the chicken place she always buys at, if the tomato isn't as red or the lettuce isn't as green as she would have picked, then so be it.  

Accepting ones limitations means relinquishing ones pride, fighting against that reality is fighting a loosing battle with too many casualties.